Drama Queens (and Kings)
By Michael Kimmel
In a perfect world, drama belongs on stage, not in your daily life. Don’t you agree? Think about it: do you ever find yourself overly reactive, theatrical or emotional? By choice? By desperation? Unless you have a true personality disorder (see a good psychotherapist if you have questions about this) I’m here to tell you: you DO have control over the drama in your life.
What is your drama doing for you? Where is it taking you? And this isn't just for so-called “hysterical” over-the-top emotion. It's time for that stereotype to die. “Macho” men (and women) do drama too, only they play it out in slightly different ways, e.g., "egomaniac", "power-hungry" or "king of the mountain". Whether it’s more “Streetcar Named Desire” or Donald Trump, drama is drama, and it’s not good for your mental health.
There is nothing wrong with living large if that's truly who you are. When I lived in Paris (France, not Texas), I noticed that Parisian women often wore large, attention-getting jewelry...and did so quietly and elegantly. They walked softly and carried a big bracelet. Being real doesn’t mean being mousy and boring, it does mean being true to yourself…and when you’re true to yourself, the drama quotient in your life inevitably goes down. Why? Drama is a cry for help: Help! No one loves me! Help! No one cares! Help! No one thinks I’m hot! Someone pay attention to me, please!
If you’re a fabulous drag queen performing at a night club, then drama and hyperbole are to be expected. If you’re a “regular” LGBT person living your life and feeling unloved, unappreciated or disconnected, then perhaps you’ve lost sight of who you are and are focusing too much on your “image”. I wish that a buff body, great hair and beautiful clothes would bring happiness. If that was so, we could all be happy all the time, once we found the right trainer, haircutter and wardrobe. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way.
Drama is not the voice of your best friend, it is the voice of your deepest fears…the ones that plagued you as a child but no longer need to dominate your adulthood. Most of us, as we enter our late 20’s or early 30’s, start to leave drama behind. The insecurity that gives birth to drama thankfully diminishes as we age. We gain a sense of who we really are, as opposed to who we have been told we should be. Finding out who we really are is no small task; it goes on our whole lives. Many people in their 70’s and 80’s are still discovering new and surprising aspects of themselves…and feel more alive than they ever did in their 20’s. No one tells us much about this, but if you hang out with LGBT elders, you’ll see that we don’t all become cynical and bitter. Many of us become happier and more playful! If this were broadcast on CNN - instead of Jessica Simpson’s latest dilemma - we’d all have a helluva lot less fear of aging and I’d hear fewer clients tell me, “I don’t want to get old; no one’s going to want me”. This kind of neurotic self-talk encourages drama…and lots of it.
There’s an ad out for a moisturizer whose copy reads, “I’m 40, but I look 10 years’ younger.” This is the kind of fear that makes us afraid to be ourselves and pushes us toward the drama of panic and insecurity. Is it really a surprise that so many LGBT people today have panic attacks? Never before has the pressure been so intense for us to try to become someone we’re not…someone who looks younger, seems happier, has more money than we really do. Ugh.
The antidote: look beneath your drama and see what you're avoiding. Usually, it’s a fear of feeling small, unimportant or ignored. Really confident people have less drama; they simply don’t need it. They have the strength and power INSIDE themselves. They don’t need to proclaim it on the outside. By all means, protest injustice and put your time and energy into causes and activities that are meaningful to you. But if you find you like to be the center of attention – whether you are or not – maybe you’re a bit too dramatic.
The antidote to: “No one loves me! No one cares! No one thinks I’m hot!” isn’t panic, anxiety or drama. The way to feel loved, connected and attractive is to find it inside yourself. Drama doesn’t like a quiet self-confidence. It hates a genuine sense of humility and gratitude. Focus your energy on developing these qualities and watch your confidence grow and your drama fade away. And don’t be surprised how easily it may happen: you simply won’t need it anymore.
Brief Bio
Born in Northern Ohio (the oldest of four children), I grew up in a small town of two thousand sassy farmers. I was named after my great-grandfather Michael, who reportedly had the first Ford dealership in the State of Ohio (he ran it out of his hardware store). In 1971, I escaped the farm and made it to the big city of Cincinnati, where I earned a B.A. in Personnel and Group Development from the University of Cincinnati. In the 1970's, I worked in Louisville, Kentucky; New Haven, Connecticut and London (England) in personnel and human resources. In 1980, I earned a Master's Degree in Developmental Psychology from Sarah Lawrence College while interning for "Sesame Street" in New York City (yes, I know Big BIrd).
After moving to San Francisco in the 1980's, I was Clinical Director for the Homeless Children's Network and Clinical Consultant to Children of Lesbians and Gays Everywhere (aka "COLLAGE") while earning my second Master's Degree from San Francisco State University From 1996 to 1998, I worked as a Middle School Counselor in the San Francisco Public Schools. I came to San Diego, California in 1998, where I maintain a private psychotherapy practice and offer workshops for the Southern Californian LGBT community.
I am currently editing my first book: "Life Beyond Therapy" (LGBT non-fiction). The book has been picked up by a major American publisher and is expected to hit the bookstores sometime next year. I can be reached through my website (www.lifebeyondtherapy.com).
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Co-editors Michael Mahler and Deb Spilko