Am I A Sex Addict?

by Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy: How do you know if you're having a healthy amount of sex or if you're overly focused (or even obsessed) with sex?

Dear Michael:

Last month I was in Cleveland and went to a bathhouse. There was a "counselor" there who was talking with people about sex addictions. It was weird having him there, but he was cute so I went in to talk with him. He told me that I have a sex addiction problem. I have had sex in the steam room and sauna at my gym.  Does that mean I have a sex addiction? 

Dazed and confused in Los Angeles

A "counselor" in a bathhouse. Wow, Cleveland is quite the place, isn't it?  I guess we could we consider this progress. Mr. Dazed and Confused asks about sex addiction. Before answering his question, I'd like to give you my definition of an addiction:

An addiction is any behavior that habitually interferes with your well-being.  It doesn't help you become any happier; it just gets in the way.  This could be eating, gambling, shopping or even behaviors that are usually helpful, like working and exercising.  Alcohol and drugs are "popular" addictions, but any behavior that "runs" us can be an addiction.  For example:  does your need/desire for sex interfere with your life?  Does it make you feel good about yourself and other people?  Does it leave you happier when it's over, or lonelier?  Does it stoke your well-being, or tear it down?

Some of my clients had (note the past tense) such strong addictions that they found themselves driving to some guy's house at 3AM because they "had to have sex" right there and then.  They couldn't ignore the desire for sex; it got them out of bed, onto Grindr and over to someone's house in the middle of the night.  This kind of addictive sexual behavior really messes up your life. The addiction has control of you, not vice-versa. You want to stay in bed and sleep, the addiction wants you down on your knees in front of some hot guy. Guess who wins?

If you think you have a sex addiction, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• Is it okay with me if I don't have sex for periods of time?
• Do I panic when I think that I might not have sex today/tonight/this week?
• Do I need to have sex or is a choice, e.g., can I take it or leave it?
• Do I spend large amounts of time looking for sex?
• Can I turn down sex or do I have it any time/anywhere I can get it?
• Do I obsess about sex?  If so, does such obsessive thinking interfere with my job, being with friends, social activities, etc.?
• Do I put myself at risk as a result of my sexual activities, e.g., getting arrested for public sex, losing my gym membership for having sex in the gym's steam room/sauna, having unsafe sex, frequently inviting people I don't know into my home for sex?

Like any other addiction, there are groups and individual therapy to help you get back in control of your sex life (and not vice-versa).  You can Google "sex addiction" for resources or you can locate the nearest meeting of "Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous" (aka SLAA) by Googling them on the internet.  SLAA uses a 12-step model to help people who have sex addictions; their meetings are free and visitors/guests are not allowed.  You can also find therapists who can help you with sexual addictions.  If you have mental health coverage, call your insurance company and ask them for referrals to a therapist who specializes in recovery from sex addiction.

Let me be clear here:  enjoying sex on a regular basis does not constitute a sex addictionand no activity is, in itself, addictive.  It is we who become addicted to the behavior.  I consider myself a sex-positive psychotherapist, but for many of my clients, sexually addictive behavior interferes with their ability to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted.  Sex can be a glorious, joyful and life-enhancing experience or it can be like being caught in an endless loop where "there is never enough" and we're trying to fill a seemingly empty hole inside of ourselves by having sex with anyone we can, anytime, any place.

I would also point out to the letter writer that having sex in the steam room and sauna at a gym sounds pretty high risk to me.  Assuming the gym wouldn't appreciate this, even if you don't have a sexual addiction, is it worth the risk of losing your gym membership, or worse?  This is, after all, considered sex in a public place and people have been arrested for similar behaviors in the past.  Don't let a sex addiction get the better of you:  get help so you can take good care of yourself.

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.