Can You Improve Your Sense of Humor?

from Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy: Psychological research has found that when people list the qualities they desire in a partner, a good sense of humor consistently shows up near the top.  For some of us, a good sense of humor is more important than physical appearance or socioeconomic status.  Perhaps life is so hard that a humorless partner is too much to bear.  When the road gets rough, it's great to have a partner you can laugh with at all the absurdities along the way.

Studies on humor in relationships have found that the more a person likes his/her partner's sense of humor, the more satisfied he/she will be in the relationship. People who laugh together feel more positive toward each other and are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt.

Humor can defuse tense situations and change the mood from serious and heavy to lighter and more balanced.  A good sense of humor is a tangible asset but can it be cultivated?  If you're pretty humorless, are you doomed to be this way forever?

The good news is: no. A sense of humor can be developed just like any other personality trait.

This is great news, particularly for those of us who have been told, at some point or another, "You have no sense of humor" or asked, "Where's your sense of humor?"  A sense of humor can be cultivated, and this column can help you get started.

Why bother? You may be asking yourself.  Especially if it takes a lot of work.

Ironically, having a good sense of humor is serious business. Humor is no silly little thing; it's part of your life force, right up there with breathing and eating. Imagine that you are (temporarily) having trouble breathing. It's been proven that telling a joke to hospital patients who suffer from asthma or respiratory problems helps them breathe more easily. Humor lowers panicky feelings that contribute to poor breathing. A well-developed sense of humor has been linked to improved all-around physical and mental health in study-after-study: it strengthens immune systems, lowers blood pressure and reduces stress on the organs and muscles.

On a personality level, many of us highly value a good sense of humor.  We seek it out in others and are proud to claim it in ourselves.  If someone has a great sense of humor, isn't it likely that he/she is happy, confident and has a good perspective on life. I invite you to take a few minutes and get in touch with your own sense of humor (or lack of it).

Consider:

When was the last time you laughed?  I mean really laughed: a loud, spontaneous, big belly laugh?

Make a list of things that you find funny. It can be a person, a TV show, movie or comedian, a comic stripit doesn't matter.

Can you laugh at yourself?  When was the last time you were able to laugh at yourself?

If it's difficult for you to answer these questions, I urge you to spend some time cultivating your sense of humor. Not only is it good for your health, it also makes you more attractive. People who can laugh at themselves tell the world that they love themselves enough that they don't have to pretend to be perfectthat it's okay to fall on your ass now and then, grin sheepishly and get up.

Humor is innately anti-perfectionistic. Unlike perfectionists, people with a well-developed sense of humor know they're all totally human, will inevitably screw up something important and appear vulnerable when they do.

Humor is a form of kindness to yourself and everyone around you. Research shows that people with a well-developed sense of humor live longer, much happier lives. They're more pleasant to be around because they're less demanding of others. They make better parents, bosses, friends and partners.

This may sound impossible for you perfectionists reading this. Perfectionists and other people who are hard on themselves won't see the humor in their mistakes, instead, they berate themselves for not doing everything perfectly. But perfectionism is a learned characteristic and can be unlearned.

Wherever you are in your life, you can improve your sense of humor: it's not a fixed quality.

Start small: be willing to laugh at little things that you find funny. It can be something you do or something someone else does.

Watch funny movies or videos.

Ask people to tell you jokes and try telling a few jokes on your own.

Like any skill, it takes practice.  Don't give up after one or two tries and say, "I can't do it."  Persist and experiment.

After all, it's not brain surgery: have some fun with it!

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.