Was "Prince Charming" invented by a Gay Man?

from Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy: Did you know that the stereotype known as "Prince Charming" was invented by a gay man?

From my research, I discovered that "Le Roi Charmant" was his original name in French: "the charming king." In 1890, gay icon Oscar Wilde coined the term "Prince Charming" in his novel, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" and he's been with us ever since. Disney liked the concept and made him the perfect hetero hero in movies like "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (1937).

And if you want to really look for his origins: elements of the Prince Charming character can be found in  Charles Perrault's "Sleeping Beauty", published in 1697. Monsieur Perrault also gave us fairy tales (no pun intended) like "Little Red Riding Hood" and "Cinderella",

So, the idea of a "Prince Charming" has been around a long time: a strong and gorgeous hero (or heroine, let's open it up here) who will come along, sweep us off our feet and take care of us forever. Gay, bi, trans, lesbianwe've all been brainwashed to wonder: when life gets hard, where's my Prince/Princess Charming? Don't I deserve some amazing, sexy, divine person to love, protect and provide for me?

Preposterous? You may think you're "beyond" such mainstream fantasies, but it's not easy to erase hundreds of years of cultural mythology.

Global media and an obsession with consumerism encourage the myth. Have you ever wondered why there are thousands of love songs on all those streaming services? Why all those bridal magazines? Wedding ring ads? Why is "Say Yes to the Dress" still popular? Big Business makes billions of dollars off the illusion of Prince/Princess Charming coming your way, followed by a big (expensive) wedding and living happily ever afterspending lots of money all along the way.

I am not advocating that we live alone, never date or enjoy love songs, but, honestly folks, we're programmed to be suckers for these cultural myths. It's great it if works for you, but what if it doesn't? If it doesn't for half of all heterosexual marriages, what do you think the odds are for you?

Believing the Princess/Prince Charming myth often gets us hopelessly emeshed in culturally idealized ideas about love.  Romantic relationships are ostensibly about love, but monogamy/marriage is only one way to structure love. Let's look at what "love" really is.

Here's love as a noun:

• a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

• a feeling of warm personal attachment

• sexual passion or desire

And here's love as a verb:

• to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

• to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in

• to embrace and kiss someone

None of these definitions mention "marriage", "monogamy" or "husband/wife".  Love is an experience and a relationship is - only - one way to structure that experience. I invite you to take a look at your definition of love and ask the question: "What kind of structure best serves the love(s) in my life?"

And while we're at it, let's take a fresh look at how we see and experience sex.  The more I work as a psychotherapist in the LGBTQ community, the more I see people for whom one sexual partner isn't satisfying. It doesn't mean that either person is lacking. Take a step back and look beyond the myth.

When same-sex marriage became available to us all - and I wrote a book about it: "The Gay Man's Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage" - it gave us queer people the perfect opportunity to decide if we really want it.

Let's question the myth of Princess/Prince Charming. 

One Prince/Princess may not be enough. If your woman or your man is your "everything", the vast majority of your friends are "our" friends and most of your time is spent together, you may wonder why your erotic life is kind of blah. As Esther Perel says in her book "Mating in Captivity": a rewarding sex life requires some excitement, some surprise, something unknown. Even Princess/Prince Charming gets boring if you spend all your free time together.

As LGBTQ people at this point in time, traditional heterosexual marriage is an option, but not necessarily the best option for everyone. Non-monogamy (in its many forms) is an option. Polyamory is an option. Living in a community with others is an option.

And, after all, if Prince Charming was invented by a gay man, we can just as easily create his replacement(s). Right?

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.