Monogamy or Open Relationship?

By Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy

I don't know about other psychotherapists, but here's a question I hear a lot from my clients: "Whether we get married or not, do we want to be monogamous?" "After all," they ask me, "is it possible to be happy with only one person?"

Whether you are currently coupled or not, let's explore the pros and cons of monogamy and what I call "open relationships". Take a moment and consider these questions:

Is it realistic for me to have sex with only one person for the rest of my life?
How do we (or would we) manage incompatible sexual desires, e.g., if I like wild, animal-like sex and he likes it tender and gentle?
What happens if we have incompatible libidos: if she wants to do it once a day and I'm happy with once a month?
What do I want from my relationship? If you're single, look at past relationships and ask "why did I stay with her/him all that time?"
What would be the purpose of an open relationship? Of monogamy? What are the pros and cons of each?

Many of my coupled clients - straight, queer, pansexual, polyamorous - are examining traditional ideas of marriage and finding them lacking. Other people, however, think that the ideas of "emotional monogamy" and "sexual non-monogamy" are just an easy way to rationalize not being faithful to your partner.

Now is a perfect time to critically analyze traditional heterosexual marriage and decide if this type of relationship works for you or not. You may ask: why bother? Well, when half of (allegedly) monogamous, heterosexual marriages result in divorce, is this a good relationship paradigm for you and your beloved? On the other hand, let's not idealize open relationships either.

How many open relationships are happy and healthy?
Isn't it more difficult to have a fulfilling open relationship than a "closed" one?

In a closed relationship you have only one other person with whom you work out your differences and disagreements. If you open up your marriage/relationship to other people, you literally have more people to learn to get along with on an intimate level.

If you want to re-invent your marriage in the form of an open relationship - how do you pull it off?

So let's say you and your partner decide to get married, want to remain emotionally faithful and yet sexually open up your relationship. This is not uncommon for many of the couples that I see in my psychotherapy practice.

When a couple decides to explore this kind of relationship change, I advise them that opening up the relationship is likely to bring major changes to all aspects of their relationship. I recommend that - together - they talk about their vision for the relationship and what problems they anticipate.

An open relationship can be a beautiful thing, but it takes a lot of time, energy and honest, respectful ongoing communication. You can expect to experience jealousy, insecurity and a lot of difficult emotions along the way.

Some couples in trouble think that an open relationship will "save our marriage".

Don't count on it.

Shaky relationships can be pushed over the edge by forcing them into open relationships. This is a serious decision; not a trendy new thing to try.

Whether you get married or not, it's a lot of work for two people to be a successful couple. Every loving couple is a living creation of two people. Every relationship - no matter what form it takes - needs time, energy and perseverance to grow and thrive.

Whether you choose monogamy, an open relationship, or some completely unique paradigm that you and your partner invent, I encourage you to work together to create a form for your relationship that works for both you and your love.

No matter how you structure it, a loving, fulfilling relationship is a joy and a treasure.

Perhaps there's nothing more worthwhile.

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel

I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.