I Can Hunt for my Lonely Heart

from Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy: Dear Michael:

I don't know what's wrong with me.  I have everything I really want or need, but I feel strongly, deeply lonely.  I wake up most mornings glad to be alive, but then I end up crying sometime during my morning jog.  What's wrong with me?  Why do I feel so lonely?

Lonely in LA

Dear Lonely Person:

Thank you for writing to me. Let's look at your situation: your heart may be lonely even though your mind says, "Everything's okay, will you shut up down there!"

Loneliness can be existential, not specific.  For example, you may feel loneliness for some lack of connectionwith the world, friends, familysomething's missing and you know it. And during your morning jog, perhaps your defenses are down and that sadness is allowed to be felt. Your tears are trying to tell you something.

But, what?

Instead of fighting loneliness - which doesn't really work - why not embrace it? Make peace with it. Learn from it. It has something to teach you. Aren't you curious what it is? If you were my client, I'd encourage your curiosity. Try not to label it as "bad" or "I hate this". Instead, ask questions like:

"What do you want me to know?"

"Where do you come from?"

"Is something missing in my life?"

I suggest that you keep a "Loneliness Diary" and pay attention to it. Loneliness rarely shouts, it speaks with a small, childlike voicewe can easily condemn it or overwhelm it until it gives up trying to get our attention.

But it's still there, it doesn't go away.  It just waits for us to slow down enough to hear and to be willing to listen and not judge.

There's an old phrase "the heart is a lonely hunter".  I would reframe this to: "I can hunt for my lonely heart".  It's much more constructive and worthwhile to look for our loneliness rather than curse it and try to drink/shop/push it away (that doesn't work anyway, but you know that already, don't you?)

I invite you to make friends with your loneliness.  While this may sound counter-intuitive, you've probably been fighting it for years, and has that really helped?  That's not the way to do it.  Making friends with your loneliness has the extra benefit of bringing more kindness (for yourself and others) into your life.

As you talk to your loneliness (yes, I mean that literally), you get to know yourself betterthat gentle, soft, sad side of yourself that you may have been avoiding up until now.  Most of us have been trained to avoid this stuff because it brings up a lot of emotions that we've been hoping will go away, like vulnerability, insecurity and fear.  In my experience, a REAL man/woman is strong enough to feel all his/her emotions, especially the difficult ones (sadness, weakness, grief and loneliness).

So, Dear Lonely Person, while I empathize with your sadness, you are at a perfect place to get to know a side of yourself that you've probably been avoiding for years.  There's absolutely nothing wrong with youyou're on the journey to become a REAL adult, someone who can feel all their feelings and know that they can hang in with the difficult ones.

Make friends with your loneliness, try the "Loneliness Diary" and don't be surprised when you begin to feel better.  As we integrate the lonely side of ourselves into our "whole" self, often its intensity and duration fades as we stop fighting it and listen to what it has to teach us.

If you hunt for your lonely heart, you'll find a hidden treasure full of much wisdom. I guarantee it. And your life will change.

Ask me how I know

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.