Why I'm celebrating Gay Pride Month

by David Gurzenski-Lukes

Here it is again - Gay Pride Month in America, or I should say the world. I'm hearing about so many Gay Pride events going on in major cities in other countries. Who would have thought we would have made such major strides since Stonewall? It is wonderful to see so many gay teenagers today who accept themselves for who they are, and that their families accept them as well.

Things were so different for me, growing up in a small town in Arizona and very involved in the Catholic Church. I was taught that all homosexuals were doomed to hell for the sins they committed while on this earth. I married my childhood sweetheart when I was 19 and she was 17. Pam had become pregnant. Our second daughter was born two years later.

It wasn't until I was at the University of Arizona working on a master's degree in journalism that I met Tom in one of my classes. He was 10 years older than myself. He was so eloquent when he got up to speak in class that I couldn't help but admire him. I learned later that Tom was divorced and a father of a daughter himself, although her mother would not allow Tom to visit her after the divorce.

Perhaps that's one reason why I kept my relationship with Tom a secret. Finally, Pam confronted me, accusing me of seeing another woman. When I admitted it was another man, she was shocked. Pam and I met with her dad shortly thereafter. He was a physician who had started researching homosexuality as soon as Pam told him about me. From his research, he suggested I have a lobotomy; he would cover all the costs involved. He wanted to save our marriage. After doing some research of my own, I was certain a lobotomy was not for me. However, I went through shock treatments and other procedures that were used at the time to "remove the gay gene in a person."

Nothing worked for me. I went through three psychologists until I found one who told me I couldn't continue living on a fence. He explained that a person is born gay or straight. I had to decide whether I would live my life as a gay man or remain in the closet. Pam and I divorced after being married for five years. I was heartbroken. At least Pam allowed me to be a weekend dad. I spent 10 years with Tom. He took me to see my first Gay Pride Parade in West Hollywood. It was another world entirely. So many gay people, out and proud of who they were. I remember seeing a group of men and women marching and carrying a banner that identified themselves as PFLAG - Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. I was moved to tears.

It was difficult for me to come out to my close friends. I never could tell my parents, but shared the fact I was gay with my two sisters. I told my daughters when they became old enough to understand. I also told my two grandsons when they were teenagers. They accepted me, thank God! Tom changed over time, preferring a life in the bars, searching for other young gay men interested in following us home. That was not the life for me. Next came Fred, another older, established man. That relationship lasted a decade, but it became strained when I had to sue my employer, Transamerica, for sexual discrimination. That event pushed me even further into the closet. I vowed never to allow co-workers or close friends to know I was gay.

Sometime later, I assumed a position in communications and public relations for UCLA. It was the type of position I had always dreamed of having. However, a female co-worker came on to me following a university function. The only way I could explain I wasn't interested was to tell her I was gay. The next day, she told my boss, who turned out to be extremely homophobic. He made my job impossible, forcing me to take a second employer to court for sexual discrimination. I won this case as well. Still, it made me think I would never be able to be successful in life because I was gay.

Finally, at about 50, I met Alan. Here was a man, several years younger than I, who knew he was gay when he was quite young. By accepting himself for who he was, he overcame other obstacles in his life, such as an addiction to drugs and alcohol. After becoming clean and sober, he was hired as a counselor by a treatment center where he helped others overcome their addiction. I'll never forget the day we were pushing our cart down a grocery aisle when a young woman ran up to Alan, threw her arms around his neck, and said, "You saved my life." Who wouldn't love a man like that?

On our first Valentine's Day together, when we finished our dinner at a fancy restaurant, Alan knelt down to present me with a ring, and then he proposed. We were married a year later. Alan also introduced me to the Episcopal Church, a religion that welcomes all people. We were accepted with open arms by the congregation. It was at the wedding, where we were showered with so much support from so many people, that I finally accepted myself as a gay man. For that, I am truly grateful to Alan. After two decades together, Alan was taken from me by cancer. I miss him deeply every day.

June 9 will mark one year since his passing. That day will be one of remembrance and celebration for a man who lived his life as an open and proud person who encouraged me to do the same. A month or so ago, I finished writing my book, "A Gay Grandfather Grows Up - My bumpy road from discovery to self-acceptance." Later this month, we will be attending Erie's Gay Pride on the Bay celebration.

I have also recently become a writer for the monthly publication, the Erie Gay News. I guess that makes me a true out and proud gay man. This year, I may not be marching in a Gay Pride Parade, but I will be wearing my rainbow colors proudly and shouting out support to those who are coming down the street. This is why this month is so special to me.

About the Author

David Gurzenski-Lukes David Gurzenski-Lukes has a bachelor's and master's degree in journalism from Arizona State University and the University of Arizona. He has a long career as an editor and communications professional for a number of universities, including UCLA. He was a publications editor for United Way of Greater Los Angeles and community relations director for Pacific Beach Community Hospital in San Diego, California. Since David has been retired, he has written a book, "A Gay Grandfather Grows Up," which details his difficult coming-out journey. While David has only been an Erie resident for a short period, he is already involved with various local organizations, including Aging With Pride. He has two daughters with professional careers. Jennifer is an attorney in Washington, DC, and Julie is a computer programmer in Jupiter, Florida. He also has two grandsons. Drew is a pilot with American Airlines, and Jake is a student at Florida State University.