Hooked On Twinks?

Dear Michael:

I am 38 years old, handsome and successful.  My problem is that only young guys turn me on.  I like them between 21-24. Guys over 27 do nothing for me. Unfortunately, the guys I like are too young for a long-term relationship, so I've had a series of short relationships. But I want a long-term relationship.  Am I doomed to be hooked on twinks as I get older and older? And why does the thought of being with someone my age terrify me? I'm ready to grow up (I think).  Help!

Total Twink Fixation

Dear TTF:

Your Email doesn't give me much history to work with, so let's look at several possibilities for your obsession with "unsuitable" potential partners, in this case, being hooked on "twinks".

Real intimacy is scary, it's a lot of work and it forces us to see aspects of ourselves that we try and hide from the world. One way to avoid real intimacy is by choosing unsuitable partners.  You never have to look at your own shit because no one ever gets close enough to you to see it (or call you on it).

Another reason that people find potential partners their own age unattractive is self-hatred.  Both LGBT and hetero media encourage it by promoting images of (usually) white, hairless, perfect-looking young men and women  - no fat or wrinkles - who sell us products that we think we need to stay young and desirable. 

The young gods and goddesses behind these images make great fantasy objects, but lousy partners for someone approaching forty.

Obsessing with much younger people can also be about control.  As the older person, you get to call the shots. It's actually more of a business deal than it is a loving commitment: you provide security/money/stability for a younger person and they don't challenge you the way someone your own age might.

If you're having big problems accepting your aging, picking a much younger lover is one way to avoid facing reality: it lets you live vicariously through someone else's youth and beauty, and pretend that you're still young and beautiful too.

Over the years I've worked with many clients who wanted much younger partners. Usually, these men and women had money, a pronounced need to be in control and a strong fear of aging. The scenario usually went something like this:

Older man/woman finds beautiful young man/woman and wines and dines them – trips to Palm Springs/Puerta Vallerta, expensive dinners at nice restaurants, shopping trips to Nordstrom – to convince them to become their lover. Eventually, the hottie acquiesces and moves into the gorgeous, luxurious home of their new lover.

Time passes: young hottie grows bored. Money, clothes and trips are no longer enough. He/she misses people his/her own age with similar mindsets and beautiful bodies. Young hottie picks a fight with older lover and leaves.  Older lover comes crying to me: "I've been used."

My response: "Really? Who was using who?"

Does this sound too harsh? Sorry, but obsessing on much younger people is usually a denial of what's real and a way to pretend that we're not aging. Only by telling ourselves the truth will we be able to free ourselves of this kind of obsession.

And it IS an obsession. Let's be clear about the difference between love and obsession: Love is about mutual caring, helping each other grow as individuals and as a couple, a partnership of equals (or near equals) .

Obsession is more like "I have to have you to be happy".  It's narcissistic, really: it's all about me: "You are my love object and I'm using you". This isn't love.

Being hooked on twinks is an obsession.

Sometimes, an obsession is really stubborn. Despite your best efforts, you may not be able to shift it much. In that case, get some professional help.  It may take some work to find out where your "twink" obsession comes from. 

There's nothing wrong with finding young people attractive, but this "obsession" of yours is preventing you from being with someone hot, beautiful and mature…someone who could potentially be a good lover/long term partner for you. 

Don't settle for less.

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.