Picking Much Younger Men

by Michael Dale Kimmel of Life Beyond Therapy: Dear Michael: I am 38 years old, gay, handsome and just started my own business. I have a good life, but I'm hooked on twinks: only young guys turn me on. I like them between 21-24, with a max at about 27. Guys over 27, no matter how handsome or hunky, do nothing for me. Of course, most guys I like are too young maturity-wise for a long-term relationship, so I have nothing but a series of quick relationships.

How do I get out of this mess? Am I doomed to be hooked on twinks as I get older and older? The thought of being with someone my age terrifies me.

I'm ready to grow up. Help!

Total Twink Fixation

Dear TTF:

Ageism - finding older people unattractive - is a form of self-hatred. It's an easy belief system to buy into; most of us don't give it a second thought. Gay and straight media alike are always pushing youth in the form of (usually) white, hairless, slim but defined, perfect-looking young models with no fat, no wrinkles and no maturity, who sell us products to stay young and desirable. While these "twink" models may be beautiful fantasy objects, with rare exceptions, they're not good partners for a man your age.

Psychologically, someone 21-27 is in a very different place than someone in his late thirties. In general, this developmental stage is more about experimentation, finding yourself, having fun, getting laid, discovering who you are and what you like. This isn't what a man your age is about

Is it?

As we approach the end of our thirties, most of us are looking for something more meaningful: we've done the bars, the clubs, the apps. We've had great fun sex, but now we want to connect more deeply with another man and see if we can create a good life together.

From my work as a psychotherapist, this is what most guys approaching forty are after: a good healthy relationship between two men where each helps the other to become the man he wants to be. Not the "boy" he wants to be, the "man". This is about maturity, and young guys are rarely there developmentally, emotionally or spiritually.

For some men, being with much younger men is about control. These men may feel they can play the "older, wiser" man who may want to help or even mentor a younger guy. But are there strings attached? Usually, yes! "Mentoring" can be a disguise for just wanting to seduce someone young and cute.

Someone your own age may scare the shit out of you, because they're playing the game at your level (or above).

Picking much younger men is one way to avoid acting your age. It lets you avoid having a partner who challenges you to be the mature man you can be, and will call you on your shit and kick your ass when it needs kicked. Comprendez?

Some of my clients say that they like the youthful bodies of young men: smooth, sleek, slim with perfect skin. Well, honestly, who wouldn't like to look like that? But few of us have ever possessed the look of TikTok perfection. And if we did, we can't hold onto it, no matter how much plastic surgery or personal training we buy.

Many young men are beautiful, but what about the beauty of 30-year-old men, 40-year-old meneven (get ready for it) 50-, 60- and 70-year-old men? And let's be real about the ageism in the queer community: it sells underwear, skin supplies, magazines, pornand destroys your self-esteem.

If you're serious about changing this obsessive way of relating to other men, I recommend that you talk with a counselor or therapist: it might take some work to find out where your "twink" obsession originates.

There's nothing wrong with finding young guys attractive, but this "obsession" of yours is preventing you from hooking with someone hot, handsome and more mature - someone who could potentially be a good boyfriend/lover/long term partner for you.

About the Author

Michael Dale Kimmel I am a California-licensed psychotherapist (LCSW 20738). With over twenty-five years of counseling experience, I bring warmth, practical insight and a healthy sense of humor to my practice.