Taking Care of Others (And Yourself)

Dear Michael:

My elderly parents live in El Centro. So far, they've been okay, but lately my dad's health is shaky and my mom's mental state isn't the greatest. I am the only child who lives nearby.

I'm afraid I'm going to get asked to have my parents move in with my husband and our two kids, and neither he nor I could handle that.

I have suggested they consider assisted living, but they both say they want to die in their own house and that a nursing home would "kill" them. I'm driving to El Centro almost every weekend. What about my own life? Help!

Dutiful Son in San Diego

Dear Dutiful:

I used to work for San Diego Hospice and learned a great deal there about caring for ailing or ill parents. Here are some things to consider:

As a caretaker, your number one priority is to take good care of yourself while (somehow) attending to the needs of your husband, kids and parents.

Start by not doing it all alone. Bring your husband and siblings into this (and if your kids are old enough to understand, include them too). Let your kids and husband know just what you're dealing with. Maybe the kids can help more around the house to decrease your stress. If you don't tell them what's going on, how can they pitch in and help? Even little kids can understand that "grandpa and grandma aren't so strong and need help sometimes".

At San Diego Hospice, I facilitated family meetings when a family member was ill or dying. Everyone in the family gets together (in person or by phone) and does specific problem solving: in this case, the focus would be how to best assist your parents with health/financial/quality of life concerns.

The result of a family meeting is a "family plan" that is specific on who will do what for whom and when, e.g., you will visit your parents every other weekend and stay overnight one night, your siblings will call your parents twice a week and visit in person once a month, etc.

A big part of caring for our aging parents is money. Financially, do your parents need help? If so, who is able to help them and how? Perhaps your siblings have financial resources that you and your husband do not.

Get help. Make a list of who can help your parents. Find out what's available in their area. Do they have neighbors that they're close to? Neighbors can often help you keep an eye on them. Do they have friends they see regularly? Do they belong to any social groups, bridge clubs, Senior Center?

Get information. In the family meeting, really talk with your parents and find out what they want for themselves. Talk with their doctors (with their permission). Find out how what financial resources they have. Do they have a Will? A Durable Power of Health Care? Talk with them about these important documents.

Get respite for yourself. You can't do this alone. Do your parents qualify for hospice or palliative services? For Meals on Wheels? For public transportation? Much of this information is available on the internet. If your kids are old enough to be computer savvy, let them help you with this. Get them involved in problem-solving (they may be doing this for you and your husband some day).

Monitor your caretaker/codependent tendencies. You can't do it all, no matter how much you (or they) think you should. Get a massage now and then, talk with a therapist (or someone objective to "vent" to), get away for an occasional day or weekend with your honey (without the kids, if possible) and find a few minutes for yourself every day.

And, dear readers, don't ignore this topic because you're young and your parents are healthy. The best time to talk about the future with your parents is when they are healthy and financially solid. The worst time is when something dramatic happens and no one has thought ahead or made any tentative plans for health emergencies.

Being pro-active now can spare you a lot of grief and panic in the future. God willing, we'll all live long enough to age gracefully and die peacefully. Planning ahead really helps.