Give Thanks

Why is it when people win an Oscar or an Emmy or a Grammy that they can't come right out and thank people? It's always, "I'd like to thank the writers....," or, "I want to thank my partner...." It should be, "Thank you to my boyfriend for putting up with me for the last nine years while I was writing this picture." Just thank the people you need to thank. Don't tell us who you would like to thank or want to thank. Thank them, you idiots.

 

With that said, and with Thanksgiving upon us, here's my list of thankees:

Thank you, Mom, for uncrossing your legs and dropping me out of your uterus at WalMart. If you had just kept those legs together, I could have been two weeks younger. You know I always want to be younger.

Thank you to my older twin sisters. It wasn't so great getting beat up by you as a child, but since you've reached thirty, I absolutely love being the youngest. And the prettiest.

Thank you, God, for giving me the secret to looking good: lots of alcohol and dim lighting.

And thank you to all the bartenders who know how I like my martinis: full of alcohol.

Thank you to my partner, who makes me look smarter. I never met anyone else whose dentist told him his wisdom tooth has the lowest IQ on record.

Thank you for the wisdom to have left New Jersey for sunny Florida. I left New Jersey because of illness and fatigue. I was sick and tired of it.

Thank you for making cigarettes nine dollars a pack so I could quit. That's cutting into my drinking budget.

Thanks, Dad, for the lovely pair of garbage cans for my tenth birthday. I really wanted that red ten-speed bike, but how often do I still ride a bike? And I still take those garbage cans out twice a week.

Thank you for my ability to appreciate the things in life that aren't expensive, like seeing someone fall up the stairs, slamming a dodgeball into someone's head, and watching my friends fail.

Thank you to the universe for giving me the opportunity to meet my partner when a house fell on his sister.

Thanks to the nuns at school, for a couple of things: first, for slamming my knuckles with the ruler all those times. The arthritis is a real treat now. And second, for teaching me "cursive". I thought I was going to learn new curse words. All I got was lousy penmanship.

Thanks for not making porn "smell-a-vision." I'm not a fan of the smell of poppers and feces.

And who do I thank for Taylor Lautner? He is soooooo yummy!

Thanks, again, to my Dad, for making me become an altar boy and exposing me to those priests. Or was it the other way around?

And finally, though these may not be the best years of my life, thanks for at least making them the last years of my life.

Thank you, all.

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