My Girlfriend loves me- and another girl!
“Nyya, do you work with polyamorists? My girlfriend warned me she was poly when we met three years ago, and I said I was fine with it- I’m quite open minded- but now that she’s in love with a co-worker and wants us both, I’m finding it harder to accept than I thought I would.” B.D.
Yes, B.D., I do welcome polyamorists, as I love love in all its forms, and your session is free since I’ve chosen your email to feature. I’m happy to help!For those readers who don’t know, polyamory is a committed romantic relationship that involves more than two people, where all of the people involved are aware of, and consenting to, the existence of the other partners. In short, it’s a woman with a husband and a boyfriend who are both fine with each other’s involvement with her; or a couple who starts dating another couple; or two women who decide they want to bring another man or woman into their lives. There are numerous permutations. But the main factor is that no one cheats- no one has a sexual or romantic encounter that their current partner(s) would disapprove of or be unaware of.
Poly isn’t about sex, as in swinging, where people allow their partners to have sex with others, but more about loving more than one person at a time. Our society as a whole is unused to that idea, but polyamory is growing. How can you love more than one person at a time? If you’ve loved both your parents, or are now a parent and love all your kids, or a pet owner who loves all your dogs, you might start to understand. In a more romantic sense, have you fallen in love with more than one person over the years? Few people ever love just one person across the span of their lifetime, and polyamorists are open to the idea that you can meet- and know and love- two or more people simultaneously, rather than one after the other. Each person is unique, as is each relationship, and polyamorists contend that no one person can replace another. They don’t hold the “scarcity model” of love, where one has room in their heart for the appreciation of only one other. And when they find themselves in love with more than one person, rather than cheating or destroying their current partnership, they work harder at love, communication, trust, empathy, jealousy, forgiveness, patience, etc., in order to make both relationships coexist happily.
Polyamory isn’t for everyone, but those who practice it enjoy the benefits of more honesty and openness, better communication skills (through loads of practice!), the resources of multiple partners financially. They also have more help with household chores, child care, mechanical and home improvement, and so on, a variety of intellectual and life experiences to enjoy (one partner likes quiet nights at home and the other the nightlife- what mood am I in tonight?), and a more varied sex life.
The downside of poly is that having a relationship with one person is difficult in and of itself. I’m sure we all know many people who have been divorced. People bring their old childhood and romantic hurts to their relationships, as well as fears, demands, ignorance, and bad habits. They also bring their wisdom, their caring, their playfulness, their curiosity, their support… their love… to you. So when you date one partner, you have their ups and downs. Date two, and have twice as many ups… and downs. You then also have the group dynamic- how well do your two girlfriends get along?- as well as issues of jealousy and insecurity that must be addressed. For many people it’s worth the extra effort to have the extra joy.
Imagine it- to have the stability and comfort of your current 10 year partner, with whom you’ve shared so much with, along with the excitement of falling in love all over again and discovering the world of another lover? There’s a lot of work involved, though!
And I am more than happy to help any one person, or couple, or group, who want their life to take this poetic form.
Have a topic or question you’d like commented on in her next article? Want to win a chance at a FREE SESSION? Email her at nyya@unknotting.net! Nyya gives away one free session per month to readers of the Erie Gay News.
If you want to improve your relationship, or some other aspect of your life, Nyya offers powerful coaching sessions to intelligent, motivated, mentally healthy individuals and couples who are ready for a better life. She offers affordable, ultra-convenient phone sessions with weekend and evening availability and promises results every session with a complete money back guarantee. Please visit her website at www.unknotting.net or call her at (716)785-5057.
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Co-editors Michael Mahler and Deb Spilko