Regretting Coming Out
Crystal Nyya Hites, Life Coach Unknotting By Nyya
“I let the cat out of that bag at work that I’m gay… and things aren’t the same anymore. I mean, nothing worth a discrimination suit or anything, but I need this job and I feel so awkward the way some of the guys are avoiding me. They make jokes when I’m turned away…”
I don’t think anyone needs a reminder of how imperfect the world can be, or how unenlightened many of its inhabitants are. When a client comes to me with a problem like this, I ask what the real issue is. Fear of losing his job? Anger over the fact that this has happened so many times before, and shouldn’t? In this case, it was the personal rejection hurting my client. The coldness of his coworkers and the resulting inferiority complex that was starting to eat at him.
Have you been through this?
Hatred of homosexuality is an illogical thing. Hatred, dislike, distrust, disgust… these are emotions, aches and illnesses of the heart. They can’t be cured with the mind. No logical argument from you or your kinder coworkers is likely to calm these cobras. You’re every bit as capable, valuable, and worthy of respect as a person and a coworkers as any straight individual is, but that doesn’t register with them. So, I say, check your options: Leave. Kick some a$$. Buyout the company. Buyout the world and tax the haters to death. Push corporate for sensitivity training. Get them all fired. Get drunk. Adopt an orphan from Africa. Accept your new place in the world. Or create your own place in the world.
One movie that really moved me was the sort of dull, sort of cheesy, but unforgettable all the same Conversations with God. (Neale Donald Walsch). The line of interest here is: “What would love do?” According to the movie, it’s the only question we need ask ourselves. It’s a deeply healing perspective. Love them, despite their faults. Love them, for their strengths… and call those out. Love yourself…and call up your strengths. “Kill ‘em with kindness,” as they say. The agenda of hate, of disgust, and of ostracism, is to push you away until you’re done and gone. It’s a fear reaction. Again- not logic, but emotion. But emotion can’t be cured with logic- or with more inflammatory emotions. Tossing your anger, frustration, and self-acceptance needs back at the problem is akin to pouring water on an electrical fire. Nice, instinct-based reaction, but probably not so good in the long run. “What would love do?” Realize their reactions to you are from their weakness, and forgive their weakness and humanness. Realize your reactions to them- the way their coldness gets under your skin- is also weakness and makes you human as well, and that’s okay too. But you’re worth more than being forced into an angry, bitter person in hiding, and they’re worth more than the venom they’ve poisoned themselves with. Be better. Help them become better. Now!
How? Use empathy. Consider each problem person individually, and find the root if their issues. Is F--- terrified you’ll come on to him? Is S----- just using your orientation as a cover-up excuse for the fact that you could one day take his job, and that whitens his knuckles? Is J----- used to playing alpha and simply putting you in your place, so that you don’t challenge his leadership? In my coaching practice, I help my clients sort though all these tangled problems- that’s why I call it Unknotting- and address each one individually. So, if F--- is terrified you’ll come on to him, be especially aware of your behavior around him and avoid anything that he (not you) might interpret as a come-on ,or any situation where he’d feel alone and vulnerable to you. And then let time heal that one. Let S---- know, offhandedly, that your career plans will take you a in a totally different direction from his corner of the company. Grab some self-help books or coaching to help you manage J---‘s alpha bullying. And so on.
But remember this: These individuals dislike gays because they’ve never had a reason not to. Be that reason. Don’t go superman and strain yourself with exhaustion and make everyone else look bad, but be a model person and employee. Be the better man- kill ‘em with kindness. Tune out the bad, and encourage the good. Call out and compliment their strengths. Ask them for help, and give assistance, as if they were any other employee. Make them laugh. Hold your head high. Order pizza for everyone. Rebuild your resolve by immersing yourself in the support of GLBT friends. Be so busy working and helping that you forget to back down and act ashamed. Find common ground. Offer to take up some slack when you see one having a bad day. Demand he return the favor as your equal when you’re having a bad day, and give him no way to refuse you (this affirms that you’ve been there for him as an equal and expect equal treatment in return, not as an inferior serving him and now asking favors). Make an awesome quote from Bone Sigh Arts your motto: “She took her power back… without permission.” It’ll take a while for them to grow up and grow into acceptance of you as a person and you as gay, but with strength, patience, empathy…. and love… time will heal.
Set an example for the rest of us. We’ll come across these people too one day.
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