Bisexual and married-wtf?
As a Life Coach, I do a lot of work with people’s conflicts and identities. I’m also always practicing what I preach- and that’s what led to this article. If you’re bisexual, this is for you!
I’ve raised a few eyebrows when friends discover I’m bi. “You like women?” they ask, perplexed. “You?” It’s not that they don’t support lesbian relationships or that they don’t support me; or that they wouldn’t support me in a lesbian relationship, for that matter. (It might be hard to call them friends if that were the case!) It’s just that they’ve never seen me “go that way”- I’ve been with my husband in a “straight” relationship for six years.
It’s kind of a laughable predicament, really. If you’ve been in a similar situation you may have realized the mess that this bisexual identity entails: Break up with your partner to go with someone else of the other gender every so often; cheat; become promiscuous; or “lose” your bisexual identity. How long can one who is a woman be with a man before she is no longer bisexual but straight? Five months? Five years? Five decades with one hell of an anniversary karaoke party?
I’ll have you know that if I live long enough to see it, I’m having that hellatious 50th anniversary with him, minus the painful karaoke! (I’ve already got my dress picked out!)
My husband is my best friend, partner, and love of my life. I can’t turn off the light for bed without him nearby. Okay, you might say… but what are you then, bi or straight?
I guess that then is the real question at hand: who am I? Am I bisexual or not? Am I bisexual if I am monogamous or not? Must I trade one for the other? This is the mess I’ve solved for myself… and hopefully can now give you some insight for as well.
There’s the logical argument that can be made that a person is still a Mom when she goes to work, and Mom is still a lawyer when she’s at home with her kids. One doesn’t lose “their place” or identity when they aren’t actively involved in it. But I guess the longer the absence is, the harder it is to see that logic. But there’s more to it than this.
“Bisexual” is a tag on my identity, a description of it, not the entire sum of who I am. I hate saying “I’m bisexual” like that’s that, the end-all-beat-all of who I am and what matters to me. But I can’t very well say “I’m a bisexual-poet-married-novelist-catmom-spiritual-person-hiker-sister-neoluddite-and-person-who-hates-washing-dishes” because the list wouldn’t end there- it goes on and on, and it is forever changing. Every day I learn more and become more, or simplify and smooth my life and self. Or both. Who I am is more than my sexual identity! I am a whole and healthy, solid and balanced individual, whose values and priorities and interests exceed sexuality and its definitions. Fidelity and my husband’s heart matter to me; our friends, our family, our pets, all caught in the painful drama of divorce should I betray him, all matter to me. Our home. Our memories. Our goals and our dreams. The life we’ve built. Trust. Honor. Intimacy. Vows. The bed we share. Our holiday traditions. The restaurant from our first date. Our song. All these are a major part of me, and not things that I take lightly or could trade easily. Certainly I couldn’t do so just to “prove” I am bisexual. I am past that disease of needing to prove myself for the cheap support of those who obviously don’t “get” me!
And let’s face it. Marital and self-respect aftermath aside, what would a weekend romp with a Grecian goddess get me but some simple hedonistic pleasure? Certainly it wouldn’t sharpen my political clout in conversation, or make me a better friend or a more compassionate Life Coach. Being bisexual is not limited to the sex act. It is an alliance, a connection, with a vibrant Community that supports the ideals my heart loves most: That love is for everyone. That pride and self-respect are for everyone. That family and intimacy and partnership for creation of a better world should know no boundaries of age, color, weight, creed, and especially not “plumbing” between consenting adults. Any less is crude. Denying my identification with the Gay community would be doing my soul the deepest of wrongs, and would be dishonoring the memories of the women I’ve loved.
I know in my heart who I am, and I’m warm and fuzzy with that. Certainly the one who knows me best- my husband- would laugh at anyone who thinks women don’t turn my head. The ways in which I’m “actively”bisexual? I support everyone, loudly, in the GLBT Community, and stand up for our rights at every chance. Not just politically, but at dinner and desert too- whenever the Rainbow side needs to be heard. Loud and proud! And in private? Well, I’ll just keep this family friendly and let your astute imaginations run with that. I have found many juicy ways to honor and express who I am, bisexually, without forgetting the other important parts of who I am as well, like being faithful and honest. By honoring myself and letting go of the childhood need to “prove” myself to others, I have built balance and happiness into my life, self, and marriage- without having to choose between being bisexual and being married. I chose both- I chose myself!
What about you? Who are you? What matters to you?
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Co-editors Michael Mahler and Deb Spilko